This past week our baby started sleeping better at night [knock on wood], he is smiling [I guess he does really like me after all], and he is jabbering [or what others call “cooing”]. The first eight weeks have been tough adjusting to being a family of four and to a newborn’s schedule [or should I say non-schedule].

With four weeks of maternity leave left, people have been asking how I feel. Especially since I only took eight weeks of leave with our first son. Honestly, I have mixed emotions. I am excited to get back to a routine and to be around other adults. I realized early on in my journey of motherhood that me working outside of the house was best for everyone.

While I am excited to get back into a routine when maternity leave ends, I am also sad. Sad that my days won’t be filled with baby smiles, cooing and cuddles. Sad that I won’t be able to wear sweats/workout clothes all day long. Sad that I will most likely miss milestones because those will happen at daycare instead of with me. Hence my mixed emotions.

When I was pregnant with our first son, my husband and I prepared as much as we could. Which let’s be real, nothing can fully prepare you for parenthood. We were clueless. From the moment our oldest son entered the world, I felt like we were thrown into the deep end and it was time to sink or swim. I’d say we have treaded water ever since. Sometimes swimming and sometimes sinking. We must have been swimming when we decided to have another kid.

I feel 95% of the time my husband and I are making things up as we go. Crossing our fingers, holding our breath and praying that we made the right decision on that daycare, disciplining, extra curricular activities, etc. And we have had our missteps. Ex: three daycares later and we finally feel really good about where he goes. I’m thinking that the making it up as we go and missteps will probably be the story of our lives as parents.

Before baby #2 arrived, I was worried about how this new addition was going to fit into our little family. We had established ourselves as a family of three for 2.5 years, so would this new little guy’s personality jell with ours? Would he fit into our routines? I was also concerned about how we were going to juggle everything. It caused me a lot of stress and anxiety.

Eight weeks and 1 day ago (when I was really pregnant), all of those questions were still swirling in my head. I wasn’t prepared to be ok letting my “to-do” list continue to grow and not check stuff off of it. I wasn’t prepared to slow down. I didn’t know how to slow down.

This maternity leave has been a real eye opener. For one, my to-do list continues to grow, things are not getting checked off and I have come to be at peace with that. I have learned to slow down, a little. If I only get one load of laundry done and my workout complete in a day, I consider it a successful day because I’m taking full advantage of the baby cuddles.

I have learned a lot in these short, but at times long, eight weeks. I didn’t know I could love another baby as much as I love our toddler, but I do. I didn’t think I could find joy in chaos, but I have. The chaotic toy room is now very organized thanks to my husband and toddler. It only took a mini mommy meltdown to get it done. I didn’t think I would [sometimes] enjoy the sleepless nights, but I do because I know our baby will never again need me as much as he does now.

With four weeks of maternity leave left, I have come to terms that the decluttering is not going to happen. Who really wants to go through their clothes when they are between sizes post-baby? Not me.

One of my new goals for maternity leave is to figure out how to carve more time out for the weekends. I decided to start with testing online grocery shopping and home delivery today. I’ll let you know if I end up sticking with it.